Driving, you suck and we hate you.

I live in San Francisco, where you find left turn lanes with “No Left Turn” signs at the end of them, and parking is three bucks an hour on the street. But let’s be honest, driving sucks everywhere. It kills people. And not in a guns-don’t-kill-people-people-kill-people way, but in a holy-mother-of-god-I-just-caused-a-six-car-pileup-because-I-stopped-paying-attention-for-two-frakking-seconds kind of way. Here’s the four main problems with driving and how they could be improved:

Granted, if you're running from the law for a suspected murder you haven't committed yet, this may pose a problem. Otherwise: no problem.

1. Other drivers. When my dad was teaching me how to drive when I was 13 (it was New Mexico), he would often tell me, “I trust you, it’s the other drivers I don’t trust.” I realize now this was total crap. I was a freaking 13 year old behind the wheel of an 800 pound killing machine. The second half of his statement, however, remains unchallenged. How to fix it: Create an Internet of Cars and let them drive themselves. Studies in ants have revealed the main source of traffic congestion is drivers – so why not make them all passengers?

2. Headlights. You’re going 65mph down a dark, narrow, twisty road, in a no-passing section, with five other cars behind you, scanning the thin section of forest that you can see through the headlights for anything that vaguely resembles Middleofeffingknowhere Lane. A car coming the other way momentarily blinds you. After GPS politely informs you that you’ve missed the road, you start looking for a place to turn around. Suddenly a deer jumps out of nowhere, you slam on the brakes, and everyone’s Christmas is ruined.

I stole this image from a right-wing fundamentalist blog. It was a metaphor for the Obama administration. Racist?????

How to fix it: Screw headlights, screw GPS, screw your iPhone, and screw every mock-up I’ve seen so far for a smart windshield HUD. I want 360 degree echolocation and infrared sensing. And those road signs – yeah. They’re not getting off easy either.

3. Road signs. Little, hard-to-read, smashed-up, pointing-the-wrong-way, poorly-lit, hidden-by-trees, sometimes-missing-entirely motherfrakking road signs. How to fix it: Make every road sign send out a wireless signal and display itself in previously-mentioned windshield HUD, but not in some crappy, complicated pop-up. I just need it overlaid where the actual sign would be to make up for the epic failures of real life and the Department of Transportation.

4. Literally everything else about cars. They crash, they break down, they run out of gas, they pollute (yeah even your Prius, douchebag), they’re expensive and there’s nowhere to park them. How to fix it:

Four little words, that's all I wanna hear. You know the ones.

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